Donald, the Great and Powerful


I’ll admit it. I’m stumped. It seems pretty clear that a Democratic shift in 2016 will be thanks, in large measure, to Donald Trump — but it carries a pretty hefty price tag. The only question in my mind is how that’s going to play out. Consider this: in 1860, over 80% of those eligible at the time turned out to vote in the quadrennial contest to become president (compared to 55% in 2012). Ask most Americans (okay, ask those who follow politics), and they’ll tell you that Abraham Lincoln defeated Stephen Douglas to win the office. But of the roughly 4.7 million white males who voted that year, President Lincoln won just 39% of the vote. Wait, what?

We owe a debt of gratitude to the Southern Democratic and Constitutional Union parties (the first formed to defend slavery — and the later to preserve the union at all costs), who split the vote. Donald Trump is poised to do the exact same thing for the 2016 Democratic nominee — and it scares the pants off the GOP. You reap what you sow, kids. The right been pandering to the bigoted, jingoistic, Republican Jesus™ loving crowd for decades — and now the crazy has come home to roost. Continue reading

Ku Klux Krazy

Klan Klash in South Carolina

“We will delete your history in America.” So says a passionate defender of the confederate battle flag in South Carolina, where thousands of protestors showed up today to shout down the Ku Klux Klan rally on the steps of the state capitol. No, violent, heavily tattooed and misinformed muttonhead — we’re not trying to “delete your history,” we’d just like you to understand it.

“The Confederate flag does not represent hate. A lot of Americans died for that flag.“ No, no, no — Ku Klux Kook — they most certainly were NOT Americans — at least at the time. They had abdicated the right to call themselves that as soon as they seceded from the United States. Yes, “Americans” died rallying around that flag — Confederate Americans.

We could talk for weeks on end about who it was that actually fought and died in the Civil War — that most of the conscripted troops weren’t even slave owners — or that just like most every other war in the history of mankind, this was just another case of poor men going off to bleed and die, trying to protect or acquire something rich men wanted. In this case: to own other human beings as property. State’s rights my Aunt Fanny. Continue reading

Donald Trump Raped My Brain

donaldThe GOP has a problem at the moment that has no easy solution. Actually, for my money, it’s the same problem they’ve had all along. “We’re now trying to grow the numbers of votes in the Hispanic, African-American communities and work on growing the amount of female voters.” What GOP strategist Ron Bonjean can’t say, is how Donald Trump could really make things worse for the GOP. According to David Payne, “He’s not hurting other candidates. He is risking the Republican brand.” Whoa — hold your giddy-up — full stop.

It’s difficult to “grow the numbers of votes” in the Latino community, when your party steadfastly refuses to sit down at the table and discuss comprehensive immigration reform. The GOP can’t do that, you see, because then they lose one of the boogeymen they use to scare up votes. If they didn’t have the border issue — how could former Governor Perry suggest that ISIS fighters are sneaking across the border to poison the well water — or steal goats — or whatever it was he thought those imaginary ISIS terrorists were going to do. Continue reading

God Hates Bryan J. Fischer

Okay — maybe not, but She’s GOT to be disappointed in his life choices.

Bryan J. Fischer is an asshole

Hello, Bryan — happy Sunday. I hope you’ve found a way to set aside hate and embrace love, but I know better. Small-minded bigots like yourself, who grow fat and rich tending a gullible flock of conservative “Christians,” are nothing if not predictable.

You’re always going to make the most wildly offensive, highly volatile and totally incomprehensible statements, just to get a reaction (and sell more copies of your truly godawful book). You’re more dangerous than other far-right loons, like Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin, because your audience actually BELIEVES you’re speaking for God Almighty. Jesus wept.

I honestly thought once you’d been unceremoniously dumped by your former employer — the American Family Association — you’d just fade away into obscurity. But batshit crazy always seems to find a way to get itself noticed in America these days. For the record, the AFA has officially repudiated your views on Muslims, Native Americans, Hispanics, African Americans, the Holocaust, homosexuality and Hillary Clinton (she’s not gay).

I think if your claim to fame is bullying Hallmark stores in Idaho to stop selling same-sex wedding cards — you can pretty much call it a day. Look, I don’t profess to be a theologian, but I’m pretty sure prayer wasn’t the cause of the plane crash which killed a doctor and his family (even if he did work at a family planning clinic). And no — 9/11 was not a result of Roe v. Wade. God didn’t send those torrential rains or hurricanes, either. A warmer atmosphere = melting glaciers = rising oceans = greater storm surges (just ask Chris Christie). Science, biyach.

All of this is just background for those unfamiliar with your repellent views — and full-throated condemnation of all things being “equal” for all of us living in America. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, though, Bryan — the execrable depiction of our Supreme Court justices as “black-robed oligarchs who use gavels like the slaveholders of old used to use the whip” sets the bar down to a new low.

I’m wondering if Ted Cruz appreciated the shout-out for his proposed Constitutional amendments — or if, like the AFA, he’ll try to distance himself from your brand of lunacy and hateful screed. Considering the unconstitutional nature of his proposed legislation — it’ll never see the light of day outside of a Senate committee anyway. It’ll merely die an ignominious death, much like similar bills proposed by Representatives Huelskamp, Cantor and Boehner in years past.

I get the distinct impression that you Constitutional amendment junkies are completely unaware of Article V. First you need two-thirds of BOTH the House and Senate to agree on language. Have you perused the Congressional Record lately? THEN — it would have to be ratified by three-fourths of the states. I’ve always known most of you folks were delusional — but this really takes the cake.

None of the justices who joined the majority opinion want to “flagellate their helpless subjects into abject submission” — but considering the shrill and caustic nature of your writing, I’d strongly recommend looking into the theory of psychological projection.

People who harangue the loudest about someone else’s behavior — are often deflecting or attempting to deny similar feelings they secretly harbor [George Rekers, Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Roy Asburn, etc., etc., etc.). It’s a defense mechanism. It simply proves that — despite your claim to speak for the Creator of the Universe — you’re only human after all.

Here’s what I want to leave you with: while there’s much to celebrate in this recent Supreme Court ruling, I fully recognize it won’t change conservative “Christian” hearts or minds. You sanctimonious bigots are a pox on our republic. Naturally, I wasn’t surprised when you wrote “The battle is not over. We have yet begun to fight.” Terrific.

While I personally celebrate this legal victory for equality, I’m fully cognizant there are many flag-waving, gun-toting, American Christo-fascists who believe you have a point (other than the one underneath that perfectly coifed head of hair). Fanatical zealots willing to walk into the foyer of Reformation Lutheran Church in Wichita and put a bullet into the head of anyone you claim is violating “God’s law.” Just like they did to Dr. George Tiller.

Fun fact: since the hate-fueled killing of nine souls at Mother Emanuel in Charleston — Glover Grover Baptist Church in Warrenville, Greater Miracle Apostolic Holiness Church in Tallahassee, College Hills Seventh Day Adventist Church in Knoxville, Fruitland Presbyterian Church in Gibson County, Tennessee, God’s Power Church of Christ in Macon and the Briar Creek Baptist Church in Charlotte (all predominately black congregations) have suffered arson attacks — some of the sanctuaries burned to the ground. Yep — there’s evil in the world — just not where you’re looking.

“Many false prophets will appear and will deceive many people,” Bryan. Here’s hoping the damage you inflict on your feeble-minded, hate-filled followers — those “destructive heresies” you proclaim as Gospel, “will bring sudden destruction on [your]self.” In Jebus name we pray. rAmen.

Ted’s Dead — in the polls, anyway.

Raphael Cruz: Senator Smarmy


Stick a fork in it, Senator Raphael Edward “Ted” Cruz, your presidential campaign is officially over. It’s been apparent from the get-go that yours was just a vanity tour — one more chance to hear yourself talk about nothing in particular. The downside to making a spectacle of yourself during primary season, Raphael, is people have a tendency to notice how often you vacillate on those “core beliefs” you hold so dear — that “principled stand” you’re taking looks mighty shaky. The “grassroots wave” your new campaign video touts — is more like a leaky faucet — and you’re the drip.

It takes a lot of chutzpah to bad-mouth GOP leadership on an issue that — only last week — you were talking up to anyone who’d listen. Trust me — I’m not with the president on this one — Fast Track is a bad idea. If the United States is going to enter into a treaty with another nation [or nations], it needs to be ratified by you guys — by a two-thirds majority, no less. Calling it something else [“free trade”] and pretending this is not a treaty is just disingenuous twaddle.

But here’s the deal, Ed — people still read the Wall Street Journal. They remember that you called Trade Promotion Authority a “fair deal.” You voted for it. Changing your mind about it because über-conservatives hate the president — and then poo-pooing the deal now that you’re out there rubbing elbows and shaking the calloused hands of American workers — is pretty lame. Quite the about-face. Besides — let’s remember who’s writing the big checks that pay for those fancy presidential campaigns — it’s the fat-cat corporate donors [who all LOVE TPA]. Rock, meet hard place.

If you’ve got it in you to keep criss-crossing Iowa, holding prayer meetings or tent revivals, or whatever you call it — God bless. Just know that you’d have a better chance sprouting wings and flying back to Texas — than you do of getting the nomination. We all remember the government shutdown — and I, for one, want my $24 billion back, Eddie. You don’t get to furlough 800,000 workers — and then cry crocodile tears over at the veteran’s memorial with part-time Governor Palin.

I’d like the next president to have at least a passing acquaintance with foreign policy, too. All I know for certain is you excel at the ‘let’s pick the opposite policy’ game. That doesn’t make you look like a staunch defender of freedom — willing to go toe-to-toe with the president on difficult international issues — it just makes you look like a crazy person. Yes — helping countries affected by the terrorist organization known as ISIS [or ISIL] is a good thing. No — we can’t do that without providing those nations with material — and the personnel who can train them — from the United States military.

Pack it up, Edward — the longer you stay at this, the worse it’s going to get. Jesus, man, this isn’t brain surgery — you’ve losing to Dr. Ben Carson. Mike Huckabee’s already got the God squad thing going — and John Ellis (Jeb!) and Marco are duking it to see who the voters think is more Latino (not that you particularly embrace the “Raphael” portion of being a “Cruz” anyway). Everyone knows this is John Ellis (Jeb!)’s to lose. Walker is trying to make a showing — but he got smoked by Donald Trump in the New Hampshire polls. Walker’s seen as the “Washington outsider” in the race (because people tend to forget about Piyush “Bobby” Jindal), but he’s got a Koch habit that’s going to be tough to shake.

You’re never, ever going to get your poll numbers out of the single digits — so stop gazing longingly at your own reflection long enough to take stock of your position. It’s Bush, Walker, Rubio, Carson, Huckabee, Paul — with Trump getting a bump from his ad-libbed infomercial. Save us from listening to more incoherent and inconsistent foreign policy positions. Spare us the proposals of more “for the Bible tells me so” legislation. Jesus loves you, Ted — but most of the country believes you’re nothing but a pompous blowhard. According to recent polling — approximately 94.2% of likely Republican voters do, too.

You’re welcome.

Southern Pride Yields a Bitter Crop



As I began to put down a few observations about the battle flag brouhaha in South Carolina, my iPhone alerted me to the news that Governor Nikki Haley was expected at any moment, ready to announce the flag of General Robert E. Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia will be removed from the Confederate Soldiers War Memorial, located on the capitol grounds. That just happened. I expected her to be late — since they likely needed a head count, rather than be embarrassed at some future date, when the requisite two thirds of state legislators failed to agree on its removal.

Retiring the flag to its proper place in American history — on mothballs in a museum — isn’t really going to change anything, though. People are still going to have it tattooed across their chest — fly it from their front porch — or wave it “proudly” as the cameras pan the crowd at any of this summer’s NASCAR events. The same defiance that led their great-great grandfathers to secede from the union is still smoldering deep inside — and I have to believe that for many ‘good ole boys,’ the flag isn’t so much a symbol of racial intolerance, but of the willingness to spit in the eye of authority. Continue reading

@ the #End of His #Whits

Screen shot 2015-06-20 at 9.32.31 AM

Welp — my first Twitter feud is officially over. The Jeb Bush/Jed Clampett/Buddy Ebsen fan blocked me on Twitter. I can’t tell you which @MoreWhit was MOAR upset about — associating Jed with Jeb, or poking fun of John Ellis Bush’s fledgling campaign.

I thought I’d put this out there for @MoreWhit, just in case he does some egosurfing. I’d like him to self-Google @MoreWhit and find it associated with a bunch of hashtags — like #HalfWhit, or #DullWhit, or #WhitLess. Hey — he HAD to know how easy it would be, when he chose the name.

To wit, he came spoiling for a fight, not me. You know what they say — an ounce of prevention (= #PoundOfWhit). If you wanted to #MatchWhits, Doug, you have to keep your wits about you. I’m kind of sad you found yourself at #WhitsEnd so early, @MoreWhit. Some can live by their wits alone — others are frightened out of their wits and leave.

Hello? <tap tap> Hellooooooooo? Is this thing on?

Here are a couple random screens from Twitter. I need to remember to keep an eye on Dinesh, now that he’s no longer in federal custody.

Screen shot 2015-06-20 at 4.00.01 PM

Ted’s peeps were bragging that the audience clapped for him “the loudest” just the other day. No, honestly — that was “news” from Team Ted.

Looney Tunes Ted

Jon Stewart isn’t Laughing

Mark Twain. Will Rogers. Jon Stewart. Each generation we find someone who can make us take a good long look in the mirror as they relate some uncomfortable truths. They succeed, I believe, because they’re able make us laugh along the way — but the truth is always there, bubbling under the surface. Jon Stewart finally ran out of jokes last night.

We’re going to miss you, Jon.