Donald Trump Goes Biblical.

Here’s a quick primer to some of the things Donald Trump shared with the audience at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C., hosted by the Family Research Counsel. When the word salad begins to resemble a jungle, simply refer to this guide.

Donald Trump, American Statesman

“My Bible”

This is a prop, inscribed by his mother when Donald was just a child. Any Christian who believes Donald consults that particular book, has already forgotten that he couldn’t/refused to name a favorite passage. “Um, all of ’em, any of ’em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years.” Okay, I lied. That was Sarah Palin. Donald’s Bible makes three appearances during tonight’s performance.

“I went to great schools.”

Donald Trump is rich, and every financial analyst that’s checked assures us that he’d still be rich even if he’d never built a casino, or filed a claim in bankruptcy court. His claim that “it’s so easy” is fairly tone deaf in a country where the average school loan debt for college graduates is $30,000 and climbing. Continue reading

Rick Perry is Out to Pasture

Goodbye Governor Good Hair

I just thought I’d drop you a note and wish you happy trails, gov. I doubt you’ll recall any of the advice I’ve passed along over the years — but that’s the thing about conservatives — you turn a blind eye to obvious truths and a deaf ear to those who try and pound some sense through your thick skulls.

I just read your statement about dropping out of the Republican primary and have to disagree that “the conservative movement has always been about principles, not personalities.” While I can’t deny there are some bedrock ideologies you’ll cling to, even as the ship of state is sinking, the “conservative movement” has been all cash and flash for years now.

We had a glad-handing frat boy as president for eight years (ably worked by Dick Cheney like a ventriloquist’s dummy), and for the past two presidential cycles, rank and file Republicans go all starry-eyed by millionaires without morals. I’m not saying Willard “Mitt” Romney is a bad person, but both he and ‘The Donald’ would rather cash out in the Caymans, than support an American worker. Continue reading

Governor Oops

Rick Perry

Congratulations, Governor Perry! I lost count of the number of times your lawyers tried to have those felony charges dismissed by the trial judge — but the appeals court finally came through. Here’s something odd: the Republican judges could have ponied up a get out of jail free card — but they did’t.

When the court voided the coercion charge on Friday, a potential ten years sentence went with it. But let’s be clear, your lead attorney can say to the press (and they dutifully reported) that the remaining abuse of official capacity charge is “just a misdemeanor,” but it’s not — it’s a felony, carrying a maximum sentence of 99 years in prison Good luck with that.

I’m not big into filing criminal charges for things politicians typically do to leverage power — but striking money from the state budget for those responsible for investigating political malfeasance? That’s just never going to play well for the cameras, gov. And it’s that part of the story has has the Republican judges running for cover.

Yes, District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg probably should have resigned. Not because she was caught driving drunk, though — to me the more egregious violation of the public trust was threatening the arresting officers. But even that isn’t what this is about.

You mooks have had it in for the Travis County DA’s office since they strung up former Congressman Tom DeLay for violating election law back in 2005. It seems Republicans are all about accountability, unless it’s a Republican that’s been called on the carpet.

What’s inconceivable to me, is that you’ve already spent $2 million on the best legal defense money can buy — while running a presidential campaign that can’t raise half that amount. I gotta say, Rick — your judgement here is, as usual, a bit suspect. Just don’t take a page out of Michele Bachmann’s playbook — unless you want the feebs looking at you sideways, too.

From the looks of things, you’re going to take a page from former House Speaker Delay’s, instead. As I recall, all the legal foot-dragging finally paid off for him in the end — and he got his conviction overturned. I’m sure you’ll wind up wasting millions of Texan’s tax dollars fighting this off.

Too bad you’ve only got a seat at the children’s table for the primary debates. The real money’s over on the main stage, if you’re going to have any hope at all of making up the shortfall in that legal defense fund.

Oops.

Chris Christie is Stoned

Chris Christie

Governor Chris Christie, the former prosecutor, sent a message to the Centennial State yesterday: “If you’re getting high in Colorado today, enjoy it.” Whoa, thanks man. Far out.

Before everyone getting high in the Mile High city gets the wrong idea, Christie went on to say: “As of January 2017, I will enforce the federal laws.” Except, of course, he’ll never be POTUS — so have another toke.

Christie is famous for his persecution (and prosecution) of pot smokers — and has bent over backwards to justify his position: “Other states that have gone down the path of that experiment — mostly in pursuit of tax riches — have shown unless the federal government changes their mind on this, that it becomes a cash business.” Um, thanks for supporting their argument? I don’t get it. Continue reading

Pandering Paul and the GOP under attack

Rand Paul Panders

 

Evidently Rand’s campaign staff are even more delusional than the Kentucky hopeful — because I just read “Dr.” Senator Paul “is the single biggest threat to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy.” That’s Rand’s communications director reacting to the “news” that the Democratic National Committee “has unleashed relentless attacks on a handful of GOP candidates.” <facepalm> No, no, no … getting mentioned by the DNC for saying something stupid is not a metric for viability as a national candidate. It’s a metric for how often they stick their foot in their mouth. Continue reading

Socialism is not Fascism is not Communism

Socialism is not Fascism is not Communism

 

Namaste, Piyush. Like your presidential aspirations, Governor Jindal, this should be short and sweet. At least the portion of you actually being POTUS.

I know you’re keenly aware of why Republicans bandy about the word “socialist” to confuse voters — but it’s an intellectually dishonest parlor trick. Considering the number of times you said “socialist” or “socialism” during the Hugh Hewitt radio interview yesterday — clearly your only hope lies in keeping every conservative voter ignorant of a few facts. Let’s give them a primer, shall we?

When you say “socialist,” “Bobby,” you’re quick to tie it directly to other words, like “government dependence” or “social welfare.” When other folks around the world use the word socialism, we’re quick to tie it to things which improve people’s lives — like infrastructure, energy, healthcare and education. See the difference? Of course you don’t — when you say “socialist,” it’s just code for “Stalin.” Continue reading

Donald Trump Raped My Brain

donaldThe GOP has a problem at the moment that has no easy solution. Actually, for my money, it’s the same problem they’ve had all along. “We’re now trying to grow the numbers of votes in the Hispanic, African-American communities and work on growing the amount of female voters.” What GOP strategist Ron Bonjean can’t say, is how Donald Trump could really make things worse for the GOP. According to David Payne, “He’s not hurting other candidates. He is risking the Republican brand.” Whoa — hold your giddy-up — full stop.

It’s difficult to “grow the numbers of votes” in the Latino community, when your party steadfastly refuses to sit down at the table and discuss comprehensive immigration reform. The GOP can’t do that, you see, because then they lose one of the boogeymen they use to scare up votes. If they didn’t have the border issue — how could former Governor Perry suggest that ISIS fighters are sneaking across the border to poison the well water — or steal goats — or whatever it was he thought those imaginary ISIS terrorists were going to do. Continue reading

Christie Campaign Platform: you’re gonna hate what I’m going to say.

Gov. Christie

 

I know I’ll catch some flack for this, Governor Christie, but if you’re serious about running for (or, since we’re “telling it like it is,” walking briskly in the general direction of) the Oval Office, you need to focus some of that “brutal honesty” a bit closer to home. 55% of Republican primary voters say there is “no way” they’d ever support your waddle to the White House. The only person they like less? Donald Trump.

You’re gonna need a surge larger than the one Sandy deposited on the Jersey shores. You can camp out all next week in New Hampshire, holding one town hall meeting after another, but there are two things you can’t run from, Chris: your record and your judgment. Here’s the truth, governor — you’re not the least popular guy in the race because you’re “too blunt and too direct.” You could cause massive traffic jams and yell at teachers and be a belligerent jerk if any of that noise actually helped your state. But the swagger is just a pose.

You’ve got the same problem Scott Walker does — you’re so busy running for president, you’re not running your state. Walker’s favorability in Wisconsin is as low as it’s ever been — but he’s STILL more popular than you are in New Jersey. This obnoxious notion that America needs you to share some uncomfortable truths with is the very worst campaign platform I’ve ever heard. And it presupposes you have even a passing acquaintance with the truth — which we all know you don’t.

Ask any employee of the state of New Jersey who believed you when you told them their pensions were “sacred”to you — you’re a liar. Nowadays, as you boast to audiences about your record of “pension reforms,” claiming a recent court decision which found your actions unconstitutional was a “victory” — it just proves you’re a liar. It wasn’t enough to snarl traffic for a week at the George Washington bridge in some sophomoric, penny-ante political payback — no, then you had to lie about that, too. Blind-sided?

You were Johnny-on-the-spot when the Commander in Chief came calling in Marine One to survey the storm damage. We already have “strength and decision-making and authority … in the Oval Office,” Chris. What we don’t need is some puffed-up liar, who thinks we need his version of the “truth,” even if “it makes you cringe every once in a while.” Seriously — this is the single worst campaign strategy in the history of forever.

Roads and bridges are falling further into disrepair — the state’s Transportation Trust Fund is in dire straits (and will soon only be able to service it’s debt) — “pay-as-you-go” went bust — and you’re basically overseeing a “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” fiscal mess, Governor Wimpy. Shifting around Port Authority money and stealing quarters from the Turnpike tolls isn’t any kind of solution. And yet all of that pales in comparison to the decades of transportation ills you caused the entire region when you pulled New Jersey out of the ARC project.

Let’s tick off your “accomplishments” to tout on the campaign trail: New Jersey’s 6.5 percent unemployment rate is worse than the national average — check. Long term unemployment worse than 48 other states? Check. Moody’s just dinged New Jersey’s credit rating again (for the NINTH time). Check. Withholding $2.4 billion in pension payments? Check. Vetoed reform of the Port Authority? Check. Wasted billions in tax giveaways — and now faced with a billion dollar budget shortfall? Double-check. Property taxes through the roof — an increased tax burden on New Jersey’s working poor — and a VETO on a minimum wage bill (which would have increased the state’s rate to a measly $8.50). Check, check, check.

The ONLY good thing about this campaign is the Twitter hashtag “telling it like it is.” That backfired in spectacular fashion (although I’m sure Piyush is relieved. Fewer people will #AskBobby why he’s named after a kid from The Brady Bunch. True story!)

#TellingItLikeItIs isn’t something Christie does. | Christie admin funneled taxpayer cash to the firms of Christie’s wife & brother is #TellingItLikeItIs. | Trending now: Governor Christie, who isn’t usually #TellingItLikeItIs. | Only in America can you be elected president of America. Good point, Chris Christie — that’s #TellingItLikeItIs. | Chris Christie lies with conviction — his hands don’t shake, and his eyes don’t wander. #TellingItLikeItIs

Seriously — a campaign is built on policies — not threats: “You’re gonna get what I think, whether you like it or not.” Kudos on using a public school as a backdrop for the rally/announcement — after slashing funding for public education and derailing teacher pensions — any more salt for the thousand paper cuts they’ve already had to endure? My favorite bit was when you coughed up that clichéd nonsense about how “the truth will set us free, everybody.” That was the exact moment I fully expected your trousers to spontaneously combust. Hey — I’m just #TellingItLikeItIs, Chris.

You’re welcome.

 

Ted’s Dead — in the polls, anyway.

Raphael Cruz: Senator Smarmy

 

Stick a fork in it, Senator Raphael Edward “Ted” Cruz, your presidential campaign is officially over. It’s been apparent from the get-go that yours was just a vanity tour — one more chance to hear yourself talk about nothing in particular. The downside to making a spectacle of yourself during primary season, Raphael, is people have a tendency to notice how often you vacillate on those “core beliefs” you hold so dear — that “principled stand” you’re taking looks mighty shaky. The “grassroots wave” your new campaign video touts — is more like a leaky faucet — and you’re the drip.

It takes a lot of chutzpah to bad-mouth GOP leadership on an issue that — only last week — you were talking up to anyone who’d listen. Trust me — I’m not with the president on this one — Fast Track is a bad idea. If the United States is going to enter into a treaty with another nation [or nations], it needs to be ratified by you guys — by a two-thirds majority, no less. Calling it something else [“free trade”] and pretending this is not a treaty is just disingenuous twaddle.

But here’s the deal, Ed — people still read the Wall Street Journal. They remember that you called Trade Promotion Authority a “fair deal.” You voted for it. Changing your mind about it because über-conservatives hate the president — and then poo-pooing the deal now that you’re out there rubbing elbows and shaking the calloused hands of American workers — is pretty lame. Quite the about-face. Besides — let’s remember who’s writing the big checks that pay for those fancy presidential campaigns — it’s the fat-cat corporate donors [who all LOVE TPA]. Rock, meet hard place.

If you’ve got it in you to keep criss-crossing Iowa, holding prayer meetings or tent revivals, or whatever you call it — God bless. Just know that you’d have a better chance sprouting wings and flying back to Texas — than you do of getting the nomination. We all remember the government shutdown — and I, for one, want my $24 billion back, Eddie. You don’t get to furlough 800,000 workers — and then cry crocodile tears over at the veteran’s memorial with part-time Governor Palin.

I’d like the next president to have at least a passing acquaintance with foreign policy, too. All I know for certain is you excel at the ‘let’s pick the opposite policy’ game. That doesn’t make you look like a staunch defender of freedom — willing to go toe-to-toe with the president on difficult international issues — it just makes you look like a crazy person. Yes — helping countries affected by the terrorist organization known as ISIS [or ISIL] is a good thing. No — we can’t do that without providing those nations with material — and the personnel who can train them — from the United States military.

Pack it up, Edward — the longer you stay at this, the worse it’s going to get. Jesus, man, this isn’t brain surgery — you’ve losing to Dr. Ben Carson. Mike Huckabee’s already got the God squad thing going — and John Ellis (Jeb!) and Marco are duking it to see who the voters think is more Latino (not that you particularly embrace the “Raphael” portion of being a “Cruz” anyway). Everyone knows this is John Ellis (Jeb!)’s to lose. Walker is trying to make a showing — but he got smoked by Donald Trump in the New Hampshire polls. Walker’s seen as the “Washington outsider” in the race (because people tend to forget about Piyush “Bobby” Jindal), but he’s got a Koch habit that’s going to be tough to shake.

You’re never, ever going to get your poll numbers out of the single digits — so stop gazing longingly at your own reflection long enough to take stock of your position. It’s Bush, Walker, Rubio, Carson, Huckabee, Paul — with Trump getting a bump from his ad-libbed infomercial. Save us from listening to more incoherent and inconsistent foreign policy positions. Spare us the proposals of more “for the Bible tells me so” legislation. Jesus loves you, Ted — but most of the country believes you’re nothing but a pompous blowhard. According to recent polling — approximately 94.2% of likely Republican voters do, too.

You’re welcome.