Mephistopheles 3.0

What’s your religion? Christ — it’s hard to tell with Christians these days, isn’t it? I blame the media, because idiots misreading the Koran get ALL the headlines, while at the same time there are just as many idiots misrepresenting Scripture. Hell, we celebrate the religious morons in America. And Heaven forbid you criticize Republican policies, because these “christians” STILL approve of Donald J. Trump by an overwhelming majority. The J. doesn’t stand for Jesus, gentiles. Welcome to your Sunday Sermon™.

Onward Christian soldiers — heal thyselves. I respectfully remind you that Jesus “gave [his disciples] power and authority over all demons and to cure diseases … He sent them to heal the sick.” Tell everyone the Good News along the way, but fix that broken leg and set up a standing appointment for Judah’s dialysis treatments while you’re at it. The Bible makes a pretty strong argument here that you can all take all your #ThoughtsAndPrayersand go sho… sh …shake your ass and do something to heal the sick. Republicans in Washington believe everyone (no matter how we voted) is ruled by the law of the jungle — only the richest survive. And for the GOP disciples, the “fruit of thy womb” is only sacred as long as it didn’t come from a Muslim majority country. Y’know … like Jesus.

I confess: I’m guilty of religious profiling. It’s deceptively easy to pick out the bad guys in a line-up by examining the choices they’ve made. If you don’t believe me, ask Robert Mueller. “Christians” who support Trump are as every bit as delusional as any religious fanatic in the mideast. Fail to fully embrace their dogma and you are an enemy. Facts, logic and dissenting opinion bounce right off the thick skulls of the hapless christian soldier, and I blame Ephesians: “Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” As far as Trump voters are concerned, especially the “christians,” everything I’m saying is blasphemy and further proof they’re being “persecuted” for their religious beliefs. No, I’m persecuting you because you’re st-st-stupid.

Trump’s “religion” is a diseased growth on this country’s soul. Any true Christian would recognize the GREED (“I shouldn’t tell you that, I’m a greedy – I’ve always been greedy”) LUST (“… if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps”) PRIDE (“I think apologizing’s a great thing, but you have to be wrong. I will absolutely apologize, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I’m ever wrong.”), GLUTTONY (“most beautiful piece of chocolate cake”) and PRIDE again (“… part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich”). I’m worried about WRATH, frankly. But all the Trump acolytes don’t really care about adultery, as long as their club keeps its tax-exempt status. The point is, you don’t have to travel to South America or Asia to help your fellow man, followers of Republican Jesus. Let’s go ahead and call that “mission trip” what it really is: a tax-free family vacation to an exotic destination. Next time try Appalachia. I dare you.

Just past five o’clock yesterday morning, at the Dar Al-Farooq Islamic Center in Minnesota, Trump’s “religion” delivered yet another improvised explosive device to our local Muslim community. Islamic institutions nationwide have been subjected to hate crimes at an alarming rate since Trump took office. The bombing in Bloomington doesn’t qualify — yet — because the local FBI have not been able to determine motive. It may seem obvious to you and I, but in the very black/white, right/wrong, binary view of the FBI agent, facts trump suspicion. I believe the motive mirrors the president’s message: Make America Hate Again. We’ve been force-fed a diet of division and mass delusion for years now. My silver lining in Donald Trump’s gathering legal storm clouds is clear: the FBI hasn’t determined motive in his case, either. Treason? Maybe. Extortion? Probably. High (financial) crimes and misdemeanors? Sure, why not? The facts will speak for themselves.

I’d be willing to wager staying within commuter jet distance of D.C. on this “not vacation” of his has less to do with his favorite pastime, and more to do with ferrying an army of lawyers back and forth from the nation’s capitol and New York to his golf club. He’s walled himself off in his little fiefdom, with the enemy (media) at the gates, tossing severed heads over the balustrades as though he were Lord Bolton. He’s currently at war with the press, a Republican Congress, U.S. Statute law, public opinion and a little thing called reality. So much winning.

What’s your religion? It shouldn’t matter is the point Trump christians refuse to understand. Faith is personal. Faith is private. How YOU choose to live and act, guided by whatever or whoever you place faith in, is something nobody on this earth can ever change, so stop pretending to care about Sharia Law. Right now 1/3 of this country believes ‘the damn thing (D.C.) isn’t working — might as well blow it up and start over.’ Those same people claim to believe in the Constitution. Worse — they’re echoed on the left. Sorry, kids — there is no reset button. Go look for a med kit and try and heal yourself — because if it all breaks down, you’re on your own. Feel free to pick up a rulebook and figure out how the game is played before whining about how you’re not winning. I get enough of that from POTUS.

Didn’t get your way on an important vote, Donald? Then it must be time for some presidential whining from the bully pulpit and a loud, raucous chorus of ’Change The Rules and Vote Again!’ from the Trump choir. Not so fast. ‘If I need to sit here (in Pro Forma session) to make sure you behave yourself, Donnie, I will!’ said Mitch McConnell and the Senate Republicans. Yes, I understand they’re just trying to protect Trump from himself and keep his 8.9 Richter wrist free to sign bills, but that fight happens after recess. For now, it’s the first time in recent memory that I fully support Senate Republicans.

Who believes in miracles? You do. You’re welcome.

Biblical Jesus® Hates Huckabee

Huckabee for President
PO Box 3357
Little Rock, AR 72203

Dear Governor/Moderator/Pastor Huckabee,

‘I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ Holy hand grenade of Antioch, Matthew — stop being such a killjoy. I think you’re onto something, Mike. Making criminals work off their debt instead of enjoying three hots and a cot? I keep seeing articles online which say you’re advocating “slavery,” which is nonsense. All you did was agree with Iowa radio host Jan Mickelson, of ‘Mickelson in the Morning,’ who paraphrased the Book of Exodus. “It says, if a person steals … if they don’t have anything, we’re supposed to take them down and sell them.”

Jan went on to say, “We indenture them and they have to spend their time not sitting on their stump in a jail cell, they’re supposed to be working off the debt. “Wouldn’t that be a better choice?” Naturally, Pastor Huckabee, you agreed with that nonsense, saying, “Well, it really would be. Sometimes the best way to deal with a nonviolent criminal behavior is what you just suggested.” Exactly — nonviolent criminals do not deserve compassion — or rehabilitation — or an examination of how a lack of economic opportunity might have contributed to their behavior. Let’s squeeze them for a few bucks.

So, I gotta ask, how much has Corrections Corporation of America (CCA) donated to the campaign? Seriously, pastor, if we’re going to consider modern day slavery, we really should consult the experts, right? In the past thirty years, prison populations have grown 500%, because this idea you’re promoting to the good folks in Iowa makes huge profits for the companies that also charge the taxpayers to house and feed those criminals. They’re double-dipping — getting a check from the state, and from the labor they induce on the inside. Win-win! Continue reading “Biblical Jesus® Hates Huckabee”

Donald Trump Goes Biblical.

Here’s a quick primer to some of the things Donald Trump shared with the audience at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C., hosted by the Family Research Counsel. When the word salad begins to resemble a jungle, simply refer to this guide.

Donald Trump, American Statesman

“My Bible”

This is a prop, inscribed by his mother when Donald was just a child. Any Christian who believes Donald consults that particular book, has already forgotten that he couldn’t/refused to name a favorite passage. “Um, all of ’em, any of ’em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years.” Okay, I lied. That was Sarah Palin. Donald’s Bible makes three appearances during tonight’s performance.

“I went to great schools.”

Donald Trump is rich, and every financial analyst that’s checked assures us that he’d still be rich even if he’d never built a casino, or filed a claim in bankruptcy court. His claim that “it’s so easy” is fairly tone deaf in a country where the average school loan debt for college graduates is $30,000 and climbing. Continue reading “Donald Trump Goes Biblical.”

God Hates Bryan J. Fischer

Okay — maybe not, but She’s GOT to be disappointed in his life choices.

Bryan J. Fischer is an asshole

Hello, Bryan — happy Sunday. I hope you’ve found a way to set aside hate and embrace love, but I know better. Small-minded bigots like yourself, who grow fat and rich tending a gullible flock of conservative “Christians,” are nothing if not predictable.

You’re always going to make the most wildly offensive, highly volatile and totally incomprehensible statements, just to get a reaction (and sell more copies of your truly godawful book). You’re more dangerous than other far-right loons, like Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin, because your audience actually BELIEVES you’re speaking for God Almighty. Jesus wept.

I honestly thought once you’d been unceremoniously dumped by your former employer — the American Family Association — you’d just fade away into obscurity. But batshit crazy always seems to find a way to get itself noticed in America these days. For the record, the AFA has officially repudiated your views on Muslims, Native Americans, Hispanics, African Americans, the Holocaust, homosexuality and Hillary Clinton (she’s not gay).

I think if your claim to fame is bullying Hallmark stores in Idaho to stop selling same-sex wedding cards — you can pretty much call it a day. Look, I don’t profess to be a theologian, but I’m pretty sure prayer wasn’t the cause of the plane crash which killed a doctor and his family (even if he did work at a family planning clinic). And no — 9/11 was not a result of Roe v. Wade. God didn’t send those torrential rains or hurricanes, either. A warmer atmosphere = melting glaciers = rising oceans = greater storm surges (just ask Chris Christie). Science, biyach.

All of this is just background for those unfamiliar with your repellent views — and full-throated condemnation of all things being “equal” for all of us living in America. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, though, Bryan — the execrable depiction of our Supreme Court justices as “black-robed oligarchs who use gavels like the slaveholders of old used to use the whip” sets the bar down to a new low.

I’m wondering if Ted Cruz appreciated the shout-out for his proposed Constitutional amendments — or if, like the AFA, he’ll try to distance himself from your brand of lunacy and hateful screed. Considering the unconstitutional nature of his proposed legislation — it’ll never see the light of day outside of a Senate committee anyway. It’ll merely die an ignominious death, much like similar bills proposed by Representatives Huelskamp, Cantor and Boehner in years past.

I get the distinct impression that you Constitutional amendment junkies are completely unaware of Article V. First you need two-thirds of BOTH the House and Senate to agree on language. Have you perused the Congressional Record lately? THEN — it would have to be ratified by three-fourths of the states. I’ve always known most of you folks were delusional — but this really takes the cake.

None of the justices who joined the majority opinion want to “flagellate their helpless subjects into abject submission” — but considering the shrill and caustic nature of your writing, I’d strongly recommend looking into the theory of psychological projection.

People who harangue the loudest about someone else’s behavior — are often deflecting or attempting to deny similar feelings they secretly harbor [George Rekers, Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Roy Asburn, etc., etc., etc.). It’s a defense mechanism. It simply proves that — despite your claim to speak for the Creator of the Universe — you’re only human after all.

Here’s what I want to leave you with: while there’s much to celebrate in this recent Supreme Court ruling, I fully recognize it won’t change conservative “Christian” hearts or minds. You sanctimonious bigots are a pox on our republic. Naturally, I wasn’t surprised when you wrote “The battle is not over. We have yet begun to fight.” Terrific.

While I personally celebrate this legal victory for equality, I’m fully cognizant there are many flag-waving, gun-toting, American Christo-fascists who believe you have a point (other than the one underneath that perfectly coifed head of hair). Fanatical zealots willing to walk into the foyer of Reformation Lutheran Church in Wichita and put a bullet into the head of anyone you claim is violating “God’s law.” Just like they did to Dr. George Tiller.

Fun fact: since the hate-fueled killing of nine souls at Mother Emanuel in Charleston — Glover Grover Baptist Church in Warrenville, Greater Miracle Apostolic Holiness Church in Tallahassee, College Hills Seventh Day Adventist Church in Knoxville, Fruitland Presbyterian Church in Gibson County, Tennessee, God’s Power Church of Christ in Macon and the Briar Creek Baptist Church in Charlotte (all predominately black congregations) have suffered arson attacks — some of the sanctuaries burned to the ground. Yep — there’s evil in the world — just not where you’re looking.

“Many false prophets will appear and will deceive many people,” Bryan. Here’s hoping the damage you inflict on your feeble-minded, hate-filled followers — those “destructive heresies” you proclaim as Gospel, “will bring sudden destruction on [your]self.” In Jebus name we pray. rAmen.