Biblical Jesus® Hates Huckabee

Huckabee for President
PO Box 3357
Little Rock, AR 72203

Dear Governor/Moderator/Pastor Huckabee,

‘I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ Holy hand grenade of Antioch, Matthew — stop being such a killjoy. I think you’re onto something, Mike. Making criminals work off their debt instead of enjoying three hots and a cot? I keep seeing articles online which say you’re advocating “slavery,” which is nonsense. All you did was agree with Iowa radio host Jan Mickelson, of ‘Mickelson in the Morning,’ who paraphrased the Book of Exodus. “It says, if a person steals … if they don’t have anything, we’re supposed to take them down and sell them.”

Jan went on to say, “We indenture them and they have to spend their time not sitting on their stump in a jail cell, they’re supposed to be working off the debt. “Wouldn’t that be a better choice?” Naturally, Pastor Huckabee, you agreed with that nonsense, saying, “Well, it really would be. Sometimes the best way to deal with a nonviolent criminal behavior is what you just suggested.” Exactly — nonviolent criminals do not deserve compassion — or rehabilitation — or an examination of how a lack of economic opportunity might have contributed to their behavior. Let’s squeeze them for a few bucks.

So, I gotta ask, how much has Corrections Corporation of America (CCA) donated to the campaign? Seriously, pastor, if we’re going to consider modern day slavery, we really should consult the experts, right? In the past thirty years, prison populations have grown 500%, because this idea you’re promoting to the good folks in Iowa makes huge profits for the companies that also charge the taxpayers to house and feed those criminals. They’re double-dipping — getting a check from the state, and from the labor they induce on the inside. Win-win! Continue reading

Donald Trump Goes Biblical.

Here’s a quick primer to some of the things Donald Trump shared with the audience at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C., hosted by the Family Research Counsel. When the word salad begins to resemble a jungle, simply refer to this guide.

Donald Trump, American Statesman

“My Bible”

This is a prop, inscribed by his mother when Donald was just a child. Any Christian who believes Donald consults that particular book, has already forgotten that he couldn’t/refused to name a favorite passage. “Um, all of ’em, any of ’em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years.” Okay, I lied. That was Sarah Palin. Donald’s Bible makes three appearances during tonight’s performance.

“I went to great schools.”

Donald Trump is rich, and every financial analyst that’s checked assures us that he’d still be rich even if he’d never built a casino, or filed a claim in bankruptcy court. His claim that “it’s so easy” is fairly tone deaf in a country where the average school loan debt for college graduates is $30,000 and climbing. Continue reading

God Hates Bryan J. Fischer

Okay — maybe not, but She’s GOT to be disappointed in his life choices.

Bryan J. Fischer is an asshole

Hello, Bryan — happy Sunday. I hope you’ve found a way to set aside hate and embrace love, but I know better. Small-minded bigots like yourself, who grow fat and rich tending a gullible flock of conservative “Christians,” are nothing if not predictable.

You’re always going to make the most wildly offensive, highly volatile and totally incomprehensible statements, just to get a reaction (and sell more copies of your truly godawful book). You’re more dangerous than other far-right loons, like Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin, because your audience actually BELIEVES you’re speaking for God Almighty. Jesus wept.

I honestly thought once you’d been unceremoniously dumped by your former employer — the American Family Association — you’d just fade away into obscurity. But batshit crazy always seems to find a way to get itself noticed in America these days. For the record, the AFA has officially repudiated your views on Muslims, Native Americans, Hispanics, African Americans, the Holocaust, homosexuality and Hillary Clinton (she’s not gay).

I think if your claim to fame is bullying Hallmark stores in Idaho to stop selling same-sex wedding cards — you can pretty much call it a day. Look, I don’t profess to be a theologian, but I’m pretty sure prayer wasn’t the cause of the plane crash which killed a doctor and his family (even if he did work at a family planning clinic). And no — 9/11 was not a result of Roe v. Wade. God didn’t send those torrential rains or hurricanes, either. A warmer atmosphere = melting glaciers = rising oceans = greater storm surges (just ask Chris Christie). Science, biyach.

All of this is just background for those unfamiliar with your repellent views — and full-throated condemnation of all things being “equal” for all of us living in America. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, though, Bryan — the execrable depiction of our Supreme Court justices as “black-robed oligarchs who use gavels like the slaveholders of old used to use the whip” sets the bar down to a new low.

I’m wondering if Ted Cruz appreciated the shout-out for his proposed Constitutional amendments — or if, like the AFA, he’ll try to distance himself from your brand of lunacy and hateful screed. Considering the unconstitutional nature of his proposed legislation — it’ll never see the light of day outside of a Senate committee anyway. It’ll merely die an ignominious death, much like similar bills proposed by Representatives Huelskamp, Cantor and Boehner in years past.

I get the distinct impression that you Constitutional amendment junkies are completely unaware of Article V. First you need two-thirds of BOTH the House and Senate to agree on language. Have you perused the Congressional Record lately? THEN — it would have to be ratified by three-fourths of the states. I’ve always known most of you folks were delusional — but this really takes the cake.

None of the justices who joined the majority opinion want to “flagellate their helpless subjects into abject submission” — but considering the shrill and caustic nature of your writing, I’d strongly recommend looking into the theory of psychological projection.

People who harangue the loudest about someone else’s behavior — are often deflecting or attempting to deny similar feelings they secretly harbor [George Rekers, Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Roy Asburn, etc., etc., etc.). It’s a defense mechanism. It simply proves that — despite your claim to speak for the Creator of the Universe — you’re only human after all.

Here’s what I want to leave you with: while there’s much to celebrate in this recent Supreme Court ruling, I fully recognize it won’t change conservative “Christian” hearts or minds. You sanctimonious bigots are a pox on our republic. Naturally, I wasn’t surprised when you wrote “The battle is not over. We have yet begun to fight.” Terrific.

While I personally celebrate this legal victory for equality, I’m fully cognizant there are many flag-waving, gun-toting, American Christo-fascists who believe you have a point (other than the one underneath that perfectly coifed head of hair). Fanatical zealots willing to walk into the foyer of Reformation Lutheran Church in Wichita and put a bullet into the head of anyone you claim is violating “God’s law.” Just like they did to Dr. George Tiller.

Fun fact: since the hate-fueled killing of nine souls at Mother Emanuel in Charleston — Glover Grover Baptist Church in Warrenville, Greater Miracle Apostolic Holiness Church in Tallahassee, College Hills Seventh Day Adventist Church in Knoxville, Fruitland Presbyterian Church in Gibson County, Tennessee, God’s Power Church of Christ in Macon and the Briar Creek Baptist Church in Charlotte (all predominately black congregations) have suffered arson attacks — some of the sanctuaries burned to the ground. Yep — there’s evil in the world — just not where you’re looking.

“Many false prophets will appear and will deceive many people,” Bryan. Here’s hoping the damage you inflict on your feeble-minded, hate-filled followers — those “destructive heresies” you proclaim as Gospel, “will bring sudden destruction on [your]self.” In Jebus name we pray. rAmen.