Stick a fork in it, Senator Raphael Edward “Ted” Cruz, your presidential campaign is officially over. It’s been apparent from the get-go that yours was just a vanity tour — one more chance to hear yourself talk about nothing in particular. The downside to making a spectacle of yourself during primary season, Raphael, is people have a tendency to notice how often you vacillate on those “core beliefs” you hold so dear — that “principled stand” you’re taking looks mighty shaky. The “grassroots wave” your new campaign video touts — is more like a leaky faucet — and you’re the drip.
It takes a lot of chutzpah to bad-mouth GOP leadership on an issue that — only last week — you were talking up to anyone who’d listen. Trust me — I’m not with the president on this one — Fast Track is a bad idea. If the United States is going to enter into a treaty with another nation [or nations], it needs to be ratified by you guys — by a two-thirds majority, no less. Calling it something else [“free trade”] and pretending this is not a treaty is just disingenuous twaddle.
But here’s the deal, Ed — people still read the Wall Street Journal. They remember that you called Trade Promotion Authority a “fair deal.” You voted for it. Changing your mind about it because über-conservatives hate the president — and then poo-pooing the deal now that you’re out there rubbing elbows and shaking the calloused hands of American workers — is pretty lame. Quite the about-face. Besides — let’s remember who’s writing the big checks that pay for those fancy presidential campaigns — it’s the fat-cat corporate donors [who all LOVE TPA]. Rock, meet hard place.
If you’ve got it in you to keep criss-crossing Iowa, holding prayer meetings or tent revivals, or whatever you call it — God bless. Just know that you’d have a better chance sprouting wings and flying back to Texas — than you do of getting the nomination. We all remember the government shutdown — and I, for one, want my $24 billion back, Eddie. You don’t get to furlough 800,000 workers — and then cry crocodile tears over at the veteran’s memorial with part-time Governor Palin.
I’d like the next president to have at least a passing acquaintance with foreign policy, too. All I know for certain is you excel at the ‘let’s pick the opposite policy’ game. That doesn’t make you look like a staunch defender of freedom — willing to go toe-to-toe with the president on difficult international issues — it just makes you look like a crazy person. Yes — helping countries affected by the terrorist organization known as ISIS [or ISIL] is a good thing. No — we can’t do that without providing those nations with material — and the personnel who can train them — from the United States military.
Pack it up, Edward — the longer you stay at this, the worse it’s going to get. Jesus, man, this isn’t brain surgery — you’ve losing to Dr. Ben Carson. Mike Huckabee’s already got the God squad thing going — and John Ellis (Jeb!) and Marco are duking it to see who the voters think is more Latino (not that you particularly embrace the “Raphael” portion of being a “Cruz” anyway). Everyone knows this is John Ellis (Jeb!)’s to lose. Walker is trying to make a showing — but he got smoked by Donald Trump in the New Hampshire polls. Walker’s seen as the “Washington outsider” in the race (because people tend to forget about Piyush “Bobby” Jindal), but he’s got a Koch habit that’s going to be tough to shake.
You’re never, ever going to get your poll numbers out of the single digits — so stop gazing longingly at your own reflection long enough to take stock of your position. It’s Bush, Walker, Rubio, Carson, Huckabee, Paul — with Trump getting a bump from his ad-libbed infomercial. Save us from listening to more incoherent and inconsistent foreign policy positions. Spare us the proposals of more “for the Bible tells me so” legislation. Jesus loves you, Ted — but most of the country believes you’re nothing but a pompous blowhard. According to recent polling — approximately 94.2% of likely Republican voters do, too.