Donald Trump Goes Biblical.

Here’s a quick primer to some of the things Donald Trump shared with the audience at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C., hosted by the Family Research Counsel. When the word salad begins to resemble a jungle, simply refer to this guide.

Donald Trump, American Statesman

“My Bible”

This is a prop, inscribed by his mother when Donald was just a child. Any Christian who believes Donald consults that particular book, has already forgotten that he couldn’t/refused to name a favorite passage. “Um, all of ’em, any of ’em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years.” Okay, I lied. That was Sarah Palin. Donald’s Bible makes three appearances during tonight’s performance.

“I went to great schools.”

Donald Trump is rich, and every financial analyst that’s checked assures us that he’d still be rich even if he’d never built a casino, or filed a claim in bankruptcy court. His claim that “it’s so easy” is fairly tone deaf in a country where the average school loan debt for college graduates is $30,000 and climbing. Continue reading

Rick Perry is Out to Pasture

Goodbye Governor Good Hair

I just thought I’d drop you a note and wish you happy trails, gov. I doubt you’ll recall any of the advice I’ve passed along over the years — but that’s the thing about conservatives — you turn a blind eye to obvious truths and a deaf ear to those who try and pound some sense through your thick skulls.

I just read your statement about dropping out of the Republican primary and have to disagree that “the conservative movement has always been about principles, not personalities.” While I can’t deny there are some bedrock ideologies you’ll cling to, even as the ship of state is sinking, the “conservative movement” has been all cash and flash for years now.

We had a glad-handing frat boy as president for eight years (ably worked by Dick Cheney like a ventriloquist’s dummy), and for the past two presidential cycles, rank and file Republicans go all starry-eyed by millionaires without morals. I’m not saying Willard “Mitt” Romney is a bad person, but both he and ‘The Donald’ would rather cash out in the Caymans, than support an American worker. Continue reading

Wherein Mike Huckabee is Smote.

An Open Letter to Governor Mike Huckabee, from the Creator of the Universe, God “I am who He is” Almighty.

Son, have you lost what’s left of your itsy-bitsy, pea-pickin’ mind? I try to ignore most of what you kids say because, frankly, humans who claim to understand what the “Self-Existent One” thinks used to wind up in the laughing academy, not on the six o’clock news. Your appeal to pathos on Michael Medved’s radio program was floating around the cosmos, however, and I have to say I found it truly offensive.

Look, take it from Theos — nobody’s perfect. But when you claim “black people aren’t fully human,” in 2015, a trip to the sanitarium becomes more likely than one to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Before you accuse “The First and the Last” of taking your statement out of context, remember that I want to be a “very present help in trouble,” Mike, so please take this admonishment to heart. Continue reading

The Late Show Returns

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert kicked off its run with Jon Stewart delivering the ceremonial first pitch — or at least the first big laugh of the night. I think Colbert will do a fine job — but it was interesting to see the former “narcissistic conservative pundit” kicking off his show with so much free airtime for conservatives — not all of it satirical.

It was as though the RNC sponsored half the program, first mocking Donald Trump, and then allowing former Governor (Jeb!) Bush a four minute infomercial with no rebuttal. I know it’s entertainment, but when (Jeb!) bemoans a lack of civility in Washington, while ignoring where the animus originates, it left me shaking my head. I’ve solved that problem with some creative editing — for your consideration. Here’s the debut of the new Late Show on CBS — in under two minutes.

Pandering Paul and the GOP under attack

Rand Paul Panders

 

Evidently Rand’s campaign staff are even more delusional than the Kentucky hopeful — because I just read “Dr.” Senator Paul “is the single biggest threat to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy.” That’s Rand’s communications director reacting to the “news” that the Democratic National Committee “has unleashed relentless attacks on a handful of GOP candidates.” <facepalm> No, no, no … getting mentioned by the DNC for saying something stupid is not a metric for viability as a national candidate. It’s a metric for how often they stick their foot in their mouth. Continue reading

Christie Campaign Platform: you’re gonna hate what I’m going to say.

Gov. Christie

 

I know I’ll catch some flack for this, Governor Christie, but if you’re serious about running for (or, since we’re “telling it like it is,” walking briskly in the general direction of) the Oval Office, you need to focus some of that “brutal honesty” a bit closer to home. 55% of Republican primary voters say there is “no way” they’d ever support your waddle to the White House. The only person they like less? Donald Trump.

You’re gonna need a surge larger than the one Sandy deposited on the Jersey shores. You can camp out all next week in New Hampshire, holding one town hall meeting after another, but there are two things you can’t run from, Chris: your record and your judgment. Here’s the truth, governor — you’re not the least popular guy in the race because you’re “too blunt and too direct.” You could cause massive traffic jams and yell at teachers and be a belligerent jerk if any of that noise actually helped your state. But the swagger is just a pose.

You’ve got the same problem Scott Walker does — you’re so busy running for president, you’re not running your state. Walker’s favorability in Wisconsin is as low as it’s ever been — but he’s STILL more popular than you are in New Jersey. This obnoxious notion that America needs you to share some uncomfortable truths with is the very worst campaign platform I’ve ever heard. And it presupposes you have even a passing acquaintance with the truth — which we all know you don’t.

Ask any employee of the state of New Jersey who believed you when you told them their pensions were “sacred”to you — you’re a liar. Nowadays, as you boast to audiences about your record of “pension reforms,” claiming a recent court decision which found your actions unconstitutional was a “victory” — it just proves you’re a liar. It wasn’t enough to snarl traffic for a week at the George Washington bridge in some sophomoric, penny-ante political payback — no, then you had to lie about that, too. Blind-sided?

You were Johnny-on-the-spot when the Commander in Chief came calling in Marine One to survey the storm damage. We already have “strength and decision-making and authority … in the Oval Office,” Chris. What we don’t need is some puffed-up liar, who thinks we need his version of the “truth,” even if “it makes you cringe every once in a while.” Seriously — this is the single worst campaign strategy in the history of forever.

Roads and bridges are falling further into disrepair — the state’s Transportation Trust Fund is in dire straits (and will soon only be able to service it’s debt) — “pay-as-you-go” went bust — and you’re basically overseeing a “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” fiscal mess, Governor Wimpy. Shifting around Port Authority money and stealing quarters from the Turnpike tolls isn’t any kind of solution. And yet all of that pales in comparison to the decades of transportation ills you caused the entire region when you pulled New Jersey out of the ARC project.

Let’s tick off your “accomplishments” to tout on the campaign trail: New Jersey’s 6.5 percent unemployment rate is worse than the national average — check. Long term unemployment worse than 48 other states? Check. Moody’s just dinged New Jersey’s credit rating again (for the NINTH time). Check. Withholding $2.4 billion in pension payments? Check. Vetoed reform of the Port Authority? Check. Wasted billions in tax giveaways — and now faced with a billion dollar budget shortfall? Double-check. Property taxes through the roof — an increased tax burden on New Jersey’s working poor — and a VETO on a minimum wage bill (which would have increased the state’s rate to a measly $8.50). Check, check, check.

The ONLY good thing about this campaign is the Twitter hashtag “telling it like it is.” That backfired in spectacular fashion (although I’m sure Piyush is relieved. Fewer people will #AskBobby why he’s named after a kid from The Brady Bunch. True story!)

#TellingItLikeItIs isn’t something Christie does. | Christie admin funneled taxpayer cash to the firms of Christie’s wife & brother is #TellingItLikeItIs. | Trending now: Governor Christie, who isn’t usually #TellingItLikeItIs. | Only in America can you be elected president of America. Good point, Chris Christie — that’s #TellingItLikeItIs. | Chris Christie lies with conviction — his hands don’t shake, and his eyes don’t wander. #TellingItLikeItIs

Seriously — a campaign is built on policies — not threats: “You’re gonna get what I think, whether you like it or not.” Kudos on using a public school as a backdrop for the rally/announcement — after slashing funding for public education and derailing teacher pensions — any more salt for the thousand paper cuts they’ve already had to endure? My favorite bit was when you coughed up that clichéd nonsense about how “the truth will set us free, everybody.” That was the exact moment I fully expected your trousers to spontaneously combust. Hey — I’m just #TellingItLikeItIs, Chris.

You’re welcome.

 

@ the #End of His #Whits

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Welp — my first Twitter feud is officially over. The Jeb Bush/Jed Clampett/Buddy Ebsen fan blocked me on Twitter. I can’t tell you which @MoreWhit was MOAR upset about — associating Jed with Jeb, or poking fun of John Ellis Bush’s fledgling campaign.

I thought I’d put this out there for @MoreWhit, just in case he does some egosurfing. I’d like him to self-Google @MoreWhit and find it associated with a bunch of hashtags — like #HalfWhit, or #DullWhit, or #WhitLess. Hey — he HAD to know how easy it would be, when he chose the name.

To wit, he came spoiling for a fight, not me. You know what they say — an ounce of prevention (= #PoundOfWhit). If you wanted to #MatchWhits, Doug, you have to keep your wits about you. I’m kind of sad you found yourself at #WhitsEnd so early, @MoreWhit. Some can live by their wits alone — others are frightened out of their wits and leave.

Hello? <tap tap> Hellooooooooo? Is this thing on?


Here are a couple random screens from Twitter. I need to remember to keep an eye on Dinesh, now that he’s no longer in federal custody.

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Ted’s peeps were bragging that the audience clapped for him “the loudest” just the other day. No, honestly — that was “news” from Team Ted.

Looney Tunes Ted

Death or Laughter?

You have to have something seriously out of whack in your “meat computer” to publicly express your hope that folks are so distracted by the mass killing of nine Americans — that they forget about that disrespectful parody of a politician. No, seriously — that happened. The twit tweets:

The twit tweets

Gosh — I can’t wait to see what he says next. The anticipation is killing me.


Screen shot 2015-06-19 at 12.58.58 PMScreen shot 2015-06-19 at 12.59.18 PM

Aaaaaaaaaaand, we’re done.  … or not.


Screen shot 2015-06-19 at 3.49.37 PMScreen shot 2015-06-19 at 3.50.00 PM

 

Donald Trump Monopoly

This will be the last King of America™ entry for some time — but I kept forgetting to add the mustache! It’s my opinion that Donald Trump exhibits most of the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. WebMD says that individuals “marked by an inflated sense of self-importance, need for admiration and (display a ) lack of empathy” are candidates for further testing or psychiatric evaluation.

Donald Trump

“There is no cure, but therapy can help.” If someone you love is a bloviating jackass, have them take this handy quiz to see if they might benefit from counseling.