Donald Trump Goes Biblical.

Here’s a quick primer to some of the things Donald Trump shared with the audience at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C., hosted by the Family Research Counsel. When the word salad begins to resemble a jungle, simply refer to this guide.

Donald Trump, American Statesman

“My Bible”

This is a prop, inscribed by his mother when Donald was just a child. Any Christian who believes Donald consults that particular book, has already forgotten that he couldn’t/refused to name a favorite passage. “Um, all of ’em, any of ’em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years.” Okay, I lied. That was Sarah Palin. Donald’s Bible makes three appearances during tonight’s performance.

“I went to great schools.”

Donald Trump is rich, and every financial analyst that’s checked assures us that he’d still be rich even if he’d never built a casino, or filed a claim in bankruptcy court. His claim that “it’s so easy” is fairly tone deaf in a country where the average school loan debt for college graduates is $30,000 and climbing.

“They’re babies.”

This is Donald’s way of referring to Republican leadership as naive. He believes Democrats get the best of their GOP counterparts through reverse psychology. “Who wants to be impeached?! Nobody, Donald, but first someone in the House of Representatives needs to draft articles of impeachment — and absent legal grounds, their hands are tied.

“I love bad deals.”

He loves flawed business deals, because he can acquire assets cheaply and then sell them off to the highest bigger. This is the Willard “Mitt” Romney school of business; Donald only mentions “chapter” once before catching himself — because bankruptcy isn’t something he wants to talk about. Make money, “whatever you have to do.”

“Probably and definitely.”

The art of saying a lot and nothing at all — this time about Iran. We can’t allow it — but they’re doing it. Doing what? Donald won’t/can’t say. He always/never makes his positions clear, by rarely/typically taking a stand.

“Breaks his leg.”

kerryNothing is funnier to a room filled with conservatives than a Democrat falling off a bicycle. Diplomats with broken legs, however, have no business at the negotiating table. Donald assumes our international allies and partners, all of whom are determined to keep Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon, would question their competence. “Hey, look — it’s the klutz,” said no ambassador ever.

“I come out high on really other categories.”

… ’nuff said.

“I tell my wife, don’t go to those stores.”

Even though it’s not quite October, it’s never too soon to toss the first snowballs of America’s annual War on Christmas. Good news, kids — President Trump will make saying “Merry Christmas” mandatory — guaranteed … a hundred percent, hundred percent.

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