Rick Perry is Out to Pasture

Goodbye Governor Good Hair

I just thought I’d drop you a note and wish you happy trails, gov. I doubt you’ll recall any of the advice I’ve passed along over the years — but that’s the thing about conservatives — you turn a blind eye to obvious truths and a deaf ear to those who try and pound some sense through your thick skulls.

I just read your statement about dropping out of the Republican primary and have to disagree that “the conservative movement has always been about principles, not personalities.” While I can’t deny there are some bedrock ideologies you’ll cling to, even as the ship of state is sinking, the “conservative movement” has been all cash and flash for years now.

We had a glad-handing frat boy as president for eight years (ably worked by Dick Cheney like a ventriloquist’s dummy), and for the past two presidential cycles, rank and file Republicans go all starry-eyed by millionaires without morals. I’m not saying Willard “Mitt” Romney is a bad person, but both he and ‘The Donald’ would rather cash out in the Caymans, than support an American worker.

I know you understand this, Rick, because you took a shot across Trump’s bow even as your ship is sinking beneath the waves of indifference your campaign churned up. What was it you say you want from a Republican candidate? “He – or she – must make the case for the cause of conservatism more than the cause of their own celebrity.” The best minds on the right are working overtime to derail the Trump train and his cult of personality — and I think most agree, you’re not one of the best minds on the right.

You’ve got to come to grips with why this is happening, governor. “When I gave my life to Christ, I said, ‘your ways are greater than my ways. Your will superior to mine.’ I submit that His will remains a mystery, but some things have become clear.” Oh, for — this is not Republican Jesus™ saying NO to your presidential prayer, Rick. It’s a big slice of humble pie — please pick up the fork.

“I am suspending my campaign for the presidency of the United States,” was something I told you to do a month ago, when the appeals court failed to dismiss the felony charge for abuse of power while you were governor. Everyone else knew it was over when you stopped paying campaign staff — seems the donor class (who always expect a financial windfall from the politicians they buy) saw the writing on the wall long before the well dried up. You plumb forgot not to “let your yearnings get ahead of your earnings.”

Then you said “We have a tremendous field – the best in a generation – so I step aside knowing our party is in good hands.” Clearly that’s not true, or the RNC wouldn’t have a bigoted megalomaniac wiping the floor with the rest of the field. The other non-pro in the race, Ben “Obamacare is worse than slavery” Carson, is running second. You remember the good doctor — the one who conflates homosexuality with pedophilia and bestiality? Yeah — swell guy — “best in a generation.”

Scott Walker’s fading into obscurity, too, falling 15 points in Iowa since July — why? Because when people take a close look, the “nice guy” facade falls away to reveal a hollow, wooden shell. People apparently would rather watch an actual tree stump, than sit though another one of Walker’s boring stump speeches.

There are others in that “tremendous field” of yours, Rick, but the only one polling over 1% — (Jeb!) — is so busy playing possum, trying to ignore the political paradox that is Trump 2016, it just doesn’t appear to average voters that he wants the job enough to really fight for it.

You know what they say, “Governor Good Hair” (we miss you, Molly Ivins),“if you haven’t fallen off a horse, then you haven’t been ridin’ long enough.” I’ll stop rubbing salt in the wound, but only if you promise to stay retired this time, y’hear? Also, I need to correct one last misstatement: “Anita and I are humbled by your support and kind words.” No, Anita was humbled by your hubris, believing you were up to the task of serving as POTUS — and you’ve been humbled by an avalanche of apathy.

Americans may not be the best-informed voters on the planet, but they seem to know enough to always drink upstream from the herd, Rick. They also know bullshit, and ‘if we smell something, we say something.’ Remember now, life’s simpler when you plough around the stump — Republican voters just did.

You’re welcome.

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