Wherein Mike Huckabee is Smote.

An Open Letter to Governor Mike Huckabee, from the Creator of the Universe, God “I am who He is” Almighty.

Son, have you lost what’s left of your itsy-bitsy, pea-pickin’ mind? I try to ignore most of what you kids say because, frankly, humans who claim to understand what the “Self-Existent One” thinks used to wind up in the laughing academy, not on the six o’clock news. Your appeal to pathos on Michael Medved’s radio program was floating around the cosmos, however, and I have to say I found it truly offensive.

Look, take it from Theos — nobody’s perfect. But when you claim “black people aren’t fully human,” in 2015, a trip to the sanitarium becomes more likely than one to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Before you accuse “The First and the Last” of taking your statement out of context, remember that I want to be a “very present help in trouble,” Mike, so please take this admonishment to heart.

You cite the U.S. Supreme Court decision in Dred Scott v. Sandford, claiming it’s still the “law of the land.” Point of order, pastor, your bachelor’s degree from Ouachita Baptist University is in religion, not law. The Dred Scott Decision was rendered null and void by a series of acts which followed it, beginning with the 1863 war powers executive order from Abraham Lincoln, the Emancipation Proclamation.

True, Lincoln’s act did not affect slaves held in Kentucky, the eye of this current conservative storm, since it was one of four slave states not in rebellion. Oddly enough, conservatives of that era used the word “tyranny” almost as often as you do, pastor. Hear Me well: I am not only the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob — I am also the God of Mike — and I’m telling you to sit down and shut up, son. You’re embarrassing yourself and, by extension, Elohim.

“I’ve been just drilled by TV hosts over the past week, ‘How dare you say that, uh, it’s not the law of the land?’” Because it’s not. The Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution says “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude […] shall exist within the United States.” If you disagree with the June, 2015 decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, your only remedy is a Constitutional Amendment — and God knows how difficult that would be.

You’ll have to overcome a little something called the Fourteenth Amendment, which states, unequivocally, “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States.” That’s everyone — including those you seek to vilify with your interpretation of My book. For the record, you’ll never catch Yahweh Tsidkenu calling the Bible “inerrant.” It was written by men, Michael, and the male chauvinism simply oozes off those pages. To create an apodictic volume, you’d need to hire a woman editor.

“The Supreme Court in the same-sex marriage decision made a law and they made it up out of thin air.” Wrong, governor, they overturned any state law which is discriminatory. “[W]hat Kim Davis did was operate under […] the fact that there’s no statute in her state nor at the federal level that authorizes her.” There is also no statute which prohibits her, either — although there used to be. This is a weak argument, son, and I think you know it.

Look, you know Me — I’m all for kids getting into the family business. Kim Davis followed her mom, who used to run the clerk’s office, and now she’s hired her son. Not surprisingly, the only deputy clerk who openly defied the judge’s order was Nathan.

Conversely, when My boy stood in for Me, He reached out to those on the margins of society. His was a message of inclusion — so whether he crossed paths with a Roman, Samaritan, or tax collector, he accepted them with all His heart. He never said anything about your LGBT brothers and sisters, either, so don’t you DARE presume to speak for El Shaddai while judging your fellow man. Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

The Hulk

If you’re going to paraphrase what you think I think, at least get with the Spirit of the message, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy when he said “To those whom much is given, much is expected.” Luke tends to get a bit long-winded. And for My sake, ENOUGH with your offensive “prosperity gospel.” American “Christians” who believe wealth is a sign of My favor are nothing more than delusional heretics. Jesus was born poor, died penniless, and told you morons repeatedly of the evils of money.

Also, please stop using your political events as religious revival meetings. Yes, Ted Cruz tried to crash your pity party with Kim Davis — so what? “I’d never go to another candidate’s event […] I just don’t do that and I don’t know of any candidate who ever has.” Do I really need to remind you “thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men?” Look in the mirror, Mike.

You’ve had your fifteen minutes, huckster — and proven you know as little about the law as you do Jehovah Jireh. If you’re actually “pro life,” then start enacting laws which care for the poor, feed the hungry, and shelter the homeless — because from where I’m sitting, you conservatives have been doing the opposite. Adonai doesn’t have time to deal with anymore of your nonsense, Mike, so consider this your last warning.

You’re welcome.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *