Biblical Jesus® Hates Huckabee

Huckabee for President
PO Box 3357
Little Rock, AR 72203

Dear Governor/Moderator/Pastor Huckabee,

‘I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ Holy hand grenade of Antioch, Matthew — stop being such a killjoy. I think you’re onto something, Mike. Making criminals work off their debt instead of enjoying three hots and a cot? I keep seeing articles online which say you’re advocating “slavery,” which is nonsense. All you did was agree with Iowa radio host Jan Mickelson, of ‘Mickelson in the Morning,’ who paraphrased the Book of Exodus. “It says, if a person steals … if they don’t have anything, we’re supposed to take them down and sell them.”

Jan went on to say, “We indenture them and they have to spend their time not sitting on their stump in a jail cell, they’re supposed to be working off the debt. “Wouldn’t that be a better choice?” Naturally, Pastor Huckabee, you agreed with that nonsense, saying, “Well, it really would be. Sometimes the best way to deal with a nonviolent criminal behavior is what you just suggested.” Exactly — nonviolent criminals do not deserve compassion — or rehabilitation — or an examination of how a lack of economic opportunity might have contributed to their behavior. Let’s squeeze them for a few bucks.

So, I gotta ask, how much has Corrections Corporation of America (CCA) donated to the campaign? Seriously, pastor, if we’re going to consider modern day slavery, we really should consult the experts, right? In the past thirty years, prison populations have grown 500%, because this idea you’re promoting to the good folks in Iowa makes huge profits for the companies that also charge the taxpayers to house and feed those criminals. They’re double-dipping — getting a check from the state, and from the labor they induce on the inside. Win-win! Continue reading

Donald Trump Goes Biblical.

Here’s a quick primer to some of the things Donald Trump shared with the audience at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C., hosted by the Family Research Counsel. When the word salad begins to resemble a jungle, simply refer to this guide.

Donald Trump, American Statesman

“My Bible”

This is a prop, inscribed by his mother when Donald was just a child. Any Christian who believes Donald consults that particular book, has already forgotten that he couldn’t/refused to name a favorite passage. “Um, all of ’em, any of ’em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years.” Okay, I lied. That was Sarah Palin. Donald’s Bible makes three appearances during tonight’s performance.

“I went to great schools.”

Donald Trump is rich, and every financial analyst that’s checked assures us that he’d still be rich even if he’d never built a casino, or filed a claim in bankruptcy court. His claim that “it’s so easy” is fairly tone deaf in a country where the average school loan debt for college graduates is $30,000 and climbing. Continue reading

Rick Perry is Out to Pasture

Goodbye Governor Good Hair

I just thought I’d drop you a note and wish you happy trails, gov. I doubt you’ll recall any of the advice I’ve passed along over the years — but that’s the thing about conservatives — you turn a blind eye to obvious truths and a deaf ear to those who try and pound some sense through your thick skulls.

I just read your statement about dropping out of the Republican primary and have to disagree that “the conservative movement has always been about principles, not personalities.” While I can’t deny there are some bedrock ideologies you’ll cling to, even as the ship of state is sinking, the “conservative movement” has been all cash and flash for years now.

We had a glad-handing frat boy as president for eight years (ably worked by Dick Cheney like a ventriloquist’s dummy), and for the past two presidential cycles, rank and file Republicans go all starry-eyed by millionaires without morals. I’m not saying Willard “Mitt” Romney is a bad person, but both he and ‘The Donald’ would rather cash out in the Caymans, than support an American worker. Continue reading

Wherein Mike Huckabee is Smote.

An Open Letter to Governor Mike Huckabee, from the Creator of the Universe, God “I am who He is” Almighty.

Son, have you lost what’s left of your itsy-bitsy, pea-pickin’ mind? I try to ignore most of what you kids say because, frankly, humans who claim to understand what the “Self-Existent One” thinks used to wind up in the laughing academy, not on the six o’clock news. Your appeal to pathos on Michael Medved’s radio program was floating around the cosmos, however, and I have to say I found it truly offensive.

Look, take it from Theos — nobody’s perfect. But when you claim “black people aren’t fully human,” in 2015, a trip to the sanitarium becomes more likely than one to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Before you accuse “The First and the Last” of taking your statement out of context, remember that I want to be a “very present help in trouble,” Mike, so please take this admonishment to heart. Continue reading

The Late Show Returns

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert kicked off its run with Jon Stewart delivering the ceremonial first pitch — or at least the first big laugh of the night. I think Colbert will do a fine job — but it was interesting to see the former “narcissistic conservative pundit” kicking off his show with so much free airtime for conservatives — not all of it satirical.

It was as though the RNC sponsored half the program, first mocking Donald Trump, and then allowing former Governor (Jeb!) Bush a four minute infomercial with no rebuttal. I know it’s entertainment, but when (Jeb!) bemoans a lack of civility in Washington, while ignoring where the animus originates, it left me shaking my head. I’ve solved that problem with some creative editing — for your consideration. Here’s the debut of the new Late Show on CBS — in under two minutes.

If Dick Cheney’s Lips Are Moving, He’s Lying.

I’ve written many times of my belief that the American experiment has drifted into a “post-truth period” of history. Today, easily verifiable facts are presented side-by-side with outrageous falsehoods, and few in the media blink an eye. When they do attempt to set the record straight, it’s often shrugged off by a distracted electorate as being ‘just more partisan bickering’ or political spin.

“There are two sides to every story,” your political nemesis will insist. Perhaps, but it depends on the story. What’s missing from their riveting political analysis, including claims that “both sides are the same,” or “everyone fudges a little bit” is this: there’s only one version of the truth. 2+2 still equals 4.

There are two hot button issues waiting for Congress when they return to Washington from recess. The “Iran Deal” and the Center for Medical Progress (CMP)’s defamatory smear campaign of Planned Parenthood (providing reproductive and sexual health care services to 2.7 million women and men at approximately 700 community health centers nationwide each year). CMP’s goal is to convince Congress to erase funding for Planned Parenthood clinics during the upcoming budget negotiations. Yes, TEA Partiers have already threatened to shut down the government over the issue. Continue reading

Everything Conservatives Know About the Iran Nuclear Treaty is Wrong.

Nuclear blast

Here’s everything you need to know about the nuclear non-proliferation treaty with Iran, negotiated by the US, UK, France, China, Russia and Germany (the P5+1): it’s getting past Congress no matter what. Here’s the rest of the story: Republicans will do everything in their power to embarrass our president (as they have since January 20, 2009), so you can also expect a motion of disapproval to pass the House and Senate when they get back to town early next month.

Here’s what you need to ignore: the tsunami of political attack-style ads that will saturate the airwaves in any state where your Senator or Representative has expressed taking a sober view of the pros and cons of this deal before casting their vote. These people will be called weak and enemies of peace — who are inviting disaster and hastening Armageddon. Except, of course — that’s completely bass ackwards. Continue reading

Donald, the Great and Powerful


I’ll admit it. I’m stumped. It seems pretty clear that a Democratic shift in 2016 will be thanks, in large measure, to Donald Trump — but it carries a pretty hefty price tag. The only question in my mind is how that’s going to play out. Consider this: in 1860, over 80% of those eligible at the time turned out to vote in the quadrennial contest to become president (compared to 55% in 2012). Ask most Americans (okay, ask those who follow politics), and they’ll tell you that Abraham Lincoln defeated Stephen Douglas to win the office. But of the roughly 4.7 million white males who voted that year, President Lincoln won just 39% of the vote. Wait, what?

We owe a debt of gratitude to the Southern Democratic and Constitutional Union parties (the first formed to defend slavery — and the later to preserve the union at all costs), who split the vote. Donald Trump is poised to do the exact same thing for the 2016 Democratic nominee — and it scares the pants off the GOP. You reap what you sow, kids. The right been pandering to the bigoted, jingoistic, Republican Jesus™ loving crowd for decades — and now the crazy has come home to roost. Continue reading